Take it from someone who has ‘been there, done that’, getting your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend back takes a combination of patience and the right approach. You need patience because it’s not going to happen right away. And you need the right approach because every guy or girl responds to only a certain set of words and actions and gets turned off by anything else.

Here are some things that will turn your ex off and drive him or her further away from you:

• Begging and pleading

• Crying and sobbing

• Constant contacting

• Showing up everywhere your ex is

• Trying to make him or her jealous

• Giving gifts to try to make up

• Promising you’ll change

• Forgetting the past and ‘pick up where we left off’

These actions make you appear like a wimp and no one is attracted to a wimp. Instead, the first thing to do is to calm down and bring your emotions under control. Then tell your ex that you agree with him or her about breaking up. That’s right. Tell your ex that breaking up is the best thing for the both of you right now. This way, you will appear in control and not wimpy. You will also be able to maintain your friendship with your ex (crucial to win him or her back).

Now take a few weeks to evaluate the break up, especially what you did to contribute to it. Look for causes, not symptoms. Constant arguing, disagreements, falling out of love etc are symptoms of a deeper cause. The causes are connected to your attitudes. Whether it is pride, selfishness, insecurity, impatience, bad temperedness, lust, greed, laziness, dishonesty etc the important thing is to identify what bad character issues you have that contributed to the breakup.

In identifying your own character faults, you can start to change. It takes at least 3 weeks of constant action to undo a bad habit so whatever your character faults are, do the opposite everyday for at least 3 weeks. At the same time, make some changes to yourself physically as well. Changing the way you look or dress, getting in shape, making some new friends or meeting up with old ones, taking up a new interest etc are all things you can do to change. The idea is to bring out the best in yourself.

Only after you feel you have changed should you contact your ex again. But make it casual. Don’t come straight out and ask for a heavy date. That might be too threatening if your ex is not ready for it. Try to find an occasion to meet up, even if it is with other friends around – a party, get-together, a celebration, a picnic, an outing, a trip etc. Just make it light and fun. If your ex is willing to meet up with you one-to-one, it’s even better. Still, make the occasion something enjoyable. Do not talk about any serious matters like what happened in the past, your relationship with each other etc. The thing you are trying to do now is to rebuild your relationship by having some good times you can remember in future.

If you have a few of these occasions, your ex will notice the changes in you. Then you can talk to him or her about more serious things. If there are unresolved issues, now would be a good time to apologize or set things right. Tell your ex about how you have changed and make it a point to show it. With patience and time, old wounds will heal and your relationship will mend. Then you can discuss getting back together again.