If you are in a relationship with a man who, for whatever reason, seems to have gone off sex or just does not seem to desire you anymore, you may find yourself in a quandary as to what to do. Often when you question a man about why he doesn’t want sex you most likely will get blanket answers that don’t really to ring true or just gloss over the issue with, ‘I’m tired’ ‘I am stressed at work’ ‘I have lots on my mind.’ Even worse is when the issues just go into the silent realm of, if we don’t talk about it or mention it then maybe one magical day is it might somehow change. Of course verbal denial and silent denial all end up creating an ongoing sense that something is not quite right.

It is not something to be anxious or fret about; rather you need to approach it from a position of confidence and clarity

Male sexuality…origin of the problem and issues.

For women the relationship between emotional feelings and sexual feelings are intimately connected. For men it is a different story, from an early age in the process of socialization, small boys learn that to ‘express vulnerable feelings’ shows weakness and is somehow unmanly, ‘boys don’t cry.’ This is further perpetuated with the images of manliness that a pour out from movies, magazines and television. The steely eyed, cool, tough guy is the image of a real man. The real man is powerful, the real man overcomes all obstacles, this man must not show vulnerability .There is an unconscious expectation that men grow up and unconsciously work to adhere to these stereotypes. This has many implications later in life, as it cuts them off from what should be an integral part of real maleness, to be vulnerable. As sexuality is intrinsic to male identity, a distorted or conditioned understanding of being a man will impact on their experience of sex and sexuality.

Mans biological clock.

As a young man, a sexuality driven by animal passion and lust is often an achievable a thing. The testosterone is pumping high, erections are regular and all seems ok. Sexual excitement and interest stems from this physical need, not from the need to emotionally connect. As men get older and this physical drive starts to wane and diminish then problems can arise. Youthful virility no longer enables him do what he did before .This can be further compounded by any other issues and insecurities regarding sexual performance; penis size, premature ejaculation and a host of other neurosis. You can rest assured if these issues are there, they have been clearly relegated to the ‘too hard to deal with basket’. When did you last hear a man have a frank and open conversation regarding his insecurities about his sexual performance ummm probably not that often, is the correct answer. So what you can end up with is a man that has not dealt with sexual insecurities, coupled with the diminishing drive and an inability to talk honestly about it. Houston, we have problem!

Dealing with the problem…some inappropriate and unhelpful responses.

A man’s sexual ability and performance is directly linked to how much of a man he thinks he is. As his sense of virility diminishes or unaddressed issues surface, there are many ways a man can deal with this and most are fairly redundant.

An obvious and constant use of pornography. This allows him to continue to exclusively focus on the sex without feelings, sex without expectations. This way the sexual release is achieved but the underlying problem is not .Do not underestimate how huge an issue this is, 50 billion US dollars is spent on pornography, that’s a lot of masturbation!

Another way is just to cut off. “I am just not that interested in sex” is a cover for some fear or insecurity that is best avoided.

Then there is the magic pill Viagra which attempts to fill the void and return men to their sexual vigour. Yet these pills further mask the core problem. The world wide sales of these pills reveal how epidemic the issue of male erection is. There is no discussion or focus on addressing the possible emotional reasons, as there are millions to be made by the pharmaceutical companies .No, its “let’s get that big erection we had when we where young”, as sex is all about an erect penis!

How bad the problem has got

Due to men’s lack of openness many women are unaware that, premature ejaculation, difficulties with erection, lack of sexual feelings, and lack of skills and confidence in their sexual expression are issues that can silently plague men. This isn’t just my opinion, look at the amount of Viagra consumed, and the number of men searching the web for pills for penis enlargement. These are massive red flags warning us that men’s sexuality is out of kilter.

Unlocking true male power.

The key for any woman in this situation is to know that a renewal of sexual interest is achievable, and this is achieved through a focus on the man experiencing a more holistic, intimate experience of their sexuality. As he moves away from the penis as the primary and only point of sexuality then the whole body becomes sexually enlivened to a heart to heart sexual exchange. For women this all pretty normal but for men it’s a weird scary world. A man can re-charges his sexual drive, by connecting more deeply to his whole emotional being, which has been in hiding for long time.

Intimacy is the process of being, honest, open and nurturing, but before this can happen with another it first must happen with oneself. A man needs to be able to be honest with how he feels, to be open to who he is and to nurture himself in a loving and caring way. As men experience a more intimate relationship with their own being then it’ possible to share this process with a woman, when this happens sex then becomes and expression of this intimacy.

The Barry Factor

I know this all sounds great in theory I can hear you thinking but “how the hell is my boyfriend Barry who thinks that getting drunk and ringing me up at 3am in morning telling me he loves me is his idea of being intimate. How is this same Barry going to suddenly open up to his emotional centre? This is not an easy one to work through, yet you need to know that you now have a place to start. As you address the issue directly their denial is no longer your denial, their fear is no longer your fear. When men cut off sexually it is understandable that you may somehow feel rejected or unattractive, and this maybe even employed to divert you from the real reasons .When you stop coming from a hurt position your can confidently come from a helpful one.

Clear resolve is needed

So you need to be clear in you mind .If you and your partner have stopped having sex on a regular basis then there is a problem .It may take years to surface, it may not seem to effect the day to day of your relationship, but it is a wound that needs healing and should not be avoided. As you know your partner better then anyone only you know the best way to approach this. Women may not be fully aware of how repressed and emotionally stunted many men are. It is this emotional stuck ness that is the root of men losing interest in sex. In Western culture men receive little guidance, support advice or training in there sexuality. For most men its, if you have any problems or issues, keep them to yourself.

As you engage in this process of supporting your partner to approach sex as intimacy first, sexual expression second, the flow of warmth, love and closeness from the heart is the renewing force that brings the penis to life. This may take time as often men’s one dimensional experience of sex starts at a very early age; their years of entrainment will take some time to dissolve. But if you first break the denial, then work together on the real issues, then your sex life and relationship can start to blossom once gain.