Later the parents were amazed how much Kathy shared. I obviously had succeeded in making her feel safe to share her feelings. You probably can guess some of the biggest mistakes these parents were making by now. The following is an outline that includes the problems and solutions.

1) Mistake: Parenting from your fears.

Solution: The parents teach Kathy how to take care of herself, and create win-win solutions honoring their concerns and her freedom.

Example: Kathy agreed to wait inside the lobby of the theater (not outside in the street) with her friends until one of them or another parent picks them up.

2) Mistake: Not honoring the child's space or requests.

Solution: Honor the child's space and listen to what they want and need.

Example: Kathy will put a sign on her door saying, "I love you and I need space." Both parents agreed to honor it. Valerie was also willing to stop going into her room to tidy up her desk.

3) Mistake: Parent according to the age and not the individual's maturity.

Solution: Parent according to the maturity of the child (and the present times).

Example: Kathy is very mature for her age and she needs to be treated accordingly.

4) Mistake: Do what I say and not what I do.

Solution: Be the person you want your child to be.

Example: Valerie agreed to work on dealing with her anger constructively so she can be a better model for Kathy.

5) Mistake: Don't take care of yourself or balance your life and take out your frustrations on your children by being distracted, impatient, and angry.

Solution: Take care of yourself and balance your life so that you can feel good and be patient and loving to your children.

Example: Valerie and Jack agreed to discuss ways he could be more helpful and even hire assistance when needed.

By the end of the family session, Kathy's arms were resting on her lap and she was relaxed and smiling. The causes of her anger at her parents and sister (her scapegoat) were being resolved. She was willing to hug her parents and thanked them for hearing her.

A month later, Valerie told me that Kathy had given her the most beautiful poem. It expressed how she appreciated her wonderful mother who was also her best friend.

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