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Birthday Poems to Irritate Men!
Home Reference & Education Poetry
By: Mark Mitchell Email Article
Word Count: 1430 Digg it | it | Google it | StumbleUpon it

Over the years I seem to have amused and delighted many friends and colleagues by composing funny poems and writing them in their birthday cards. I have now decided to publish my anthology of wit, humour and downright rudeness for the world to enjoy!

These rhymes have proven to be particularly popular with women – demonstrating how cruel and heartless the ‘gentler' sex can be to the men in their lives. They can be copied into birthday cards, Father's Day cards, Christmas cards, or simply cut and pasted onto an email … in fact they can be used anytime someone you know needs cheering up – or bringing down a peg or two!

Many of the poems rely heavily on the shortcomings of we poor men; ie, drunkenness, uncontrolled flatulence, lecherousness, good old fashioned plain laziness, inability to master DIY, thinning hair, suspiciously thickening midriff etc, etc. Characteristics which I'm sure apply to some extent to all husbands, boyfriends and sons.

You will see that each poem contains a man's first name, but not as part of the rhyme. In other words, you can easily ‘personalise' the rhyme by replacing the name with the name of the person you would like to send it to. (This works best if the names have the same number of syllables. For example, 'Bob' can be changed to John, Dave, Mick, Paul etc; 'Andy' can be changed to Simon, Roger, Alan etc).

For whatever reason you decide to send one, the poor unsuspecting fellow will receive a very amusing rhyme poking fun at some of his - shall we say - less romantic characteristics. A possible side effect is that he may also be impressed at your wit, humour and resourcefulness - but please don't expect him to admit to that. Here they are;


Ian doesn't much like it, When you tell him he's losing his hair; And he gets just a little bit grumpy, When you point out his tyre is spare.

So be sensitive now it's his birthday, And remember, the man's not bionic; Sit him down in his chair, don't mention the hair And pour him a large Gin and Tonic.


John likes booze and John likes women, He doesn't like running and he doesn't like swimming; He likes sitting down and he likes eating grub, He doesn't like work but he does like the pub.

Being John's Missus is a pain in the neck, When he dresses up smart, he still looks a wreck! He thinks posh restaurants and theatres are above him, But I suppose all these things are just reasons I love him!


There once was a young man called Laurence, Who when urinating did so in torrents, When asked, "Was it Venice That inspired this menace?"

He replied, "No, I learnt it in Florence".


Matthew wants presents for his birthday, Matthew wants jewellery and cars, Matthew wants to go out to restaurants, And meet gorgeous women in bars.

Well I've got a present for Matthew, For this playboy who thinks he's so cool, It's what he got me for my birthday, Coincidentally that's B*GGER ALL!

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Mark Mitchell. Author, ex-poet and Villa Rental website owner.

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