*
Nigel is a gentleman, It isn't just a pose; His shoes are always polished, And he never picks his nose.
He opens doors for ladies, And offers them his seat; His nails are never dirty, And his hair is always neat.
But when it's Nigel's birthday, He loses all his class; He has an awful lot to drink, And ends up on his a*se!
*
Peter when I look at you, I remember when you were twenty-two, Your hair was thick, your wrinkles few, And you didn't spend so long in the loo!
*
Robert, on your birthday, I want you to relax; Sit down and put your feet up, And I'll bring you drinks and snacks.
I'll do all the household chores, And put your clothes away; In fact it won't be much different, To every other day!
*
Vince, Vince, what can the matter be, You're turning into Les Battersby, It's your birthday on Saturday, So for crying out loud mate CHEER UP!
*
Alan you know I love you, You're really very sweet; In fact I'd call you perfect If it wasn't for your feet!
*
Brian has a problem, He's older than before, And now that it's his birthday, He feels a little sore. But Brian shouldn't worry, Or mooch around the house, Because what he lacks in youthfulness, He makes up for with nouse!
*
Charlie likes to have a drink, And he's often in a hurry; But keep your distance in the morning, If he's been out for a curry!
*
David, Happy Birthday Love, I've kept you dressed and fed; Now I ask just one thing of you – Please stop farting in bed!
*
Frank, your birthday's here again, So it's a good time just to sit And wonder why for the rest of the year, You're such a miserable git!!
*
Eddie, now you're getting old, And your hair is going grey; I have some words to say to you, On this your special day.
You're generous, wise, good-looking, kind, And all your jokes are funny; But the greatest thing about you Dear, Is all your lovely money!
*
Gary always gets drunk on his birthday, Once he's started, he just cannot stop; So he usually gets slung out the boozer, And comes home with sick down his top!
*
Harry's the perfect husband, For 364 days of the year, But he does go astray on his birthday, By trying to drown in beer!
*
Tony's very good at doing jobs around the house, When it comes to DIY you couldn't find a better spouse; So I thought that for his birthday I would get him something good, To help him with the patio or bevelling of wood.
Should it be a power drill, or something else by Bosch? A Black and Decker sander or a Karcher power wash? But in the end I thought, you shouldn't fix what isn't broken, So I did the same as last year – bought a ten pound record token!
*
There once was a fella called Kevin, For whom being in a pub was just heaven, When offered a drink, He didn't have to think, He would say, "Not just one, I'll have seven"!
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