Ever wonder why certain forms of dress are deemed unacceptable in professional settings? Wonder no more—we’re here to answer your questions.

Q: Why are suits the preferred mode of attire?

A: The jacket can be used as a flotation device in the event of a flash flood in the building. And it’s a scientific fact that the material used by law for suits can withstand fire and protect you from radiation poisoning.

Q: Why aren’t Capri and Gaucho pants allowed?

A: Capri pants originally were smuggled off the island of Capri in the late 1800s. Since then the government has allocated a substantial portion of its budget to returning these cultural artifacts to their rightful place—the national museum. So if you have any, you’re denying the tiny island nation its cultural birthright.

Gaucho means “cowboy” in Spanish, and since these trousers have become popular in contemporary fashion, there is a woeful shortage for those who really need them. Cowboys around the world have been reduced to wearing kilts and muu-muus while riding the range and punching dogies. So do the benevolent thing and send all your gaucho pants to your nearest cowboy charity.

Q: Who made up the rule that women have to wear pantyhose with skirts before Memorial Day and after Labor Day?

A: When the U.S. officially declared these days holidays, they were signed into law with line-items that included this provision. So it’s out of our hands. Write your congressman.

Q: I like flip-flops, hiking shoes and Crocs. What’s so wrong about that?

A: Not a thing. Just don’t wear them to the office.

Q: Why can’t I wear super-short skirts or ultra-low-cut blouses?

A: Unless you’re opening a fried chicken franchise, your advertising dollars are better spent elsewhere. It’s also a safety issue. We can’t be held responsible for any injuries that might result (inter-office collisions, coffee burns, that sort of thing).

Q: It’s my personal choice (and nobody else’s business) if I wear (or don't wear) undergarments.

A: Too true. But when colleagues and clients can view your “personal choice,” then it becomes everybody’s business.

Q: It seems to me that requiring employees to dress in a certain way abridges our basic human rights. Who decided what’s “professional” dress anyway?

A: The founding fathers, of course. Amendments that were bandied about in the First Continental Congress included the right to not be distracted by jangling jewelry. The right not to be confronted with certain parts of others’ anatomies. The right to not be overpowered by perfume. So while these rights didn’t make the cut, we are duty-bound to respect the original intent of the Constitution.