Several of the 900-phone line operators are now offering to share the wealth: give you a chance to be just like them. They will set you up in business for yourself, the easy way: they will do all the work, and you sit back and enjoy the profits. They already have the facilities, and the phone operators / answerers / counselors--or whatever you would call these people--and are now extending the hand of friendship toward your wallet. "Sharemanship" you might otherwise call it.

For a little under $500 you can offer all the same "services they do. They will set you up with your very own 900-phone number turnkey-package business. The 3 best model packages from which you can choose, as the offering of your very own 900 service, are: 1. Matchmaker. Access their excellent staff of Dear Abby-type advisors to find kindred spirits of all kinds--from lovelorn to lovesick to love makers. 2. Psychic. Tap their mystic stable of Twilight Zone gurus who try to outdo Rod Serling in their vending of astrophysical counsel. 3. Adult. (Read, porno.) Self-explanatory.

You will be pleased to know that these lines will work for you 24 / 7. And, that their counselors are very skilled in piling up chargeable minutes, primary goal of the business--the average now being 10 minutes per call, on which they collect $2.99-$5.99 per minute, of which they will dispense $1.00 per minute to you for the use of your lines. You will have no worries to concern yourself with over maintenance, operations, management, of any kind. Your only function will be to--out of your own pocket--advertise. This is their idea of serving up a 7-course meal, consisting of a hot dog and 6-pack.

Why such generosity?

Simply because this sponge is nearly squeezed dry. These people have already tapped out their primary advertising media--underground newspapers, Howard Stern-type radio shows, and whacko internet sites--and are now beating the bushes for every last scrap of business to be had.

Hence, they would now like to invite you aboard their profit train, if you will bring with you, please, whatever new business you can drum up from your local newspaper classified ads, Kiwanis Club and high school year book associations, and shopping mall billboard postings.

Conversely, if you don't, so what. At this point they've already got your up-front money. They can now merely ignore you and solicit the next candidate from their sucker list for this glorious no work / all play turnkey package business setup.

Would you have anything at all to gain from such a business association? If you don't mind becoming known as a weirdo, con artist, or pornographer, maybe. Though doubtful. If you feel such a new identity added to your name in your community might be offensive to you, no. Remember a fundamental Law of Bureaucracy, which applies closely in this case: The solution to a problem creates a new problem.

A clear look proves that the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Even singularly, based on its earnings potential alone, such just seems to not be the case. You'd probably go about as far in life, with the same social acceptance, if you took a hit of acid, smoked a joint, and bummed some money from your mother.