How do we find our voices and learn to make a noise that others hear and respect? How do we gain a level of confidence in ourselves and what we have to say in order to make a difference in the lives of others because we speak?

Today, I want to briefly explore how to be a woman who ‘roars’ with the voice of authority!

I am an avid ‘people watcher’. I can sit for hours at a mall or in a park and just watch people. Because I have a love for children, I find myself watching parents (especially moms) with their young children. What I’ve observed is that the moms who seem to have the greatest positive impact on their children, in terms of discipline, are those who ‘bend’ to look the child in his eyes, speak plainly, firmly and softly while commanding the unflinching gaze of their youngster.

On the other hand, the ones with the unruly kids turning a deaf ear to mom are the ones who scream at the top of their lungs.

I’ve also observed that the soft-but-firm mom gives undivided attention to her child and enough information that the child has a grasp on what mom is saying. More importantly, on why mom is saying it. And almost always, mom says, “do you understand” or “do you see why”.

While how we speak is important - equally important is what we have to say and why we’re saying it. If I have a tendency to babble on without a great deal of substance to my words - then when I do have something fairly profound to say - the tendency of others may be to ignore my words. Ultimately they will ignore the person who’s speaking as well.

When my friend was involved in the marriage encounter movement, we used to do the same exercises that he did with couples on the weekend retreats. I found those exercises invaluable for learning how to ’speak my mind’; how to be understood; and how to be valued for my feelings and my thoughts.

As I overcame my fear of ’speaking my mind’, I gained confidence in what I had to share; and I gained a new level of respect from him.

This exercise in communication is equally effective with friends, workplace colleagues, managers and subordinates, as well as married couples. Briefly, it goes like this: choose a topic that is important to one member of the team; pick a time during the week when both persons are least likely to be interrupted; write about the topic during the week (make sure to include how you feel about the topic rather than just writing your thoughts or ideas and make sure to use “I” statements rather than “you” statements). At the appointed time, sit together and read what each has written about the topic. Each person reads what they’ve written while the other listens quietly (don’t ask questions or interrupt if possible). The listener should “check out” with the person who has read so as to make certain the he/she fully understands what is being said. Reverse the process allowing the listener to become the ‘reader’.

If the topic requires coming to compromise or ‘common ground’, then work out a plan together to reach a mutually acceptable compromise with which both persons are comfortable.

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