Why do you Believe What you Believe? My religious training started when I was two weeks old and my parents dedicated me to God in a conservative Southern Baptist church. I became the church pianist when I was fifteen, and by then my identity was wrapped up in my religious community.

Throughout my teen years, I frequently balked at the strict rules and moral beliefs of our church and my family. However, I felt a place of belonging among church goers, so I continued to attend services even after I left home at seventeen to marry and create a life of my own.

I took a position as pianist at an Independent Fundamental Baptist Church closer to home. Before long, my husband and I realized that this church held even more restrictive beliefs than my home church. Women were not allowed to wear pants, men couldn't sing in the choir if they had facial hair, and going to movies was grounds for dismissal from any position of leadership within the church. It was taught from the pulpit that rock music was Satanic because if it were played backward it contained subliminal messages! The youth group had a ceremonial bon-fire to burn all their vinyl records and cassettes. I once questioned our pastor as to why he thought it sinful for the soloist to use pre-recorded accompaniment music. He told me it was because not all those who played as a studio musician on the recording were Christians and this might have an evil influence upon our congregation.

We soon left that church but did not stray far from the closed mindset because we had been taught that going to a different denomination (even a different type of Baptist church) would cause us to lose our salvation or cause God to punish us. Our new church held similar standards, but seemed to be a little more relaxed. Still, I felt like a misfit because inwardly I didn't really agree with most of the rules. However, I learned not to question the authority of the leadership or break the church's rules because I wanted to be accepted by them and the God they espoused.

Fundamentalists honor martyrdom to the point that they teach codependency, female subservience, and total allegiance to their leaders. In this type of religion, I was taught that a wife should submit to the rule of her husband, to never question God or her pastor, and that the circumstances in my life were not my fault-it was simply God's will for me to suffer. I was disempowered to believe that I was not responsible for my miserable life, so I kept waiting for God to bail me out or change my situation. I was miserable, but nothing changed.

When my first marriage ended, I began to question everything I had been taught and found that most of my religious beliefs simply did not make sense. Still praying for hours each day, religion and doctrine could not help me as I plummeted into depression and despair. In fact, those who had been my church friends scolded me for not having enough faith to prevent my divorce. So much for Christians being known for their love; judgment was all I received in the darkest hour of my soul. I had broken the rules of my religion and my religion no longer accepted me.

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