Strength in numbers

Sitting Shiva is the tradition of mourning in the Jewish religion. Gathering together as a community is at the core of sitting Shiva, just as it is at the core of many Jewish traditions. The strength and support of friends, family and neighbors, during sitting Shiva, plays a key role in helping the bereaved get through the process of grieving.

Shiva is the mourning period, traditionally observed by the parent, spouse, sibling or child of the deceased. During Shiva (“sitting Shiva”), which is traditionally a seven day period that begins immediately after the funeral, the family stays home to focus on their grief, remember their loved one and receive visitors. Although traditionally a seven-day period, many families sit Shiva for a shorter period; perhaps 1, 2 or 3 days. The Shiva period is often announced at the funeral.

Sympathy Gift Baskets are Customary

Jewish custom discourages sending flowers or gifts other than food when people are sitting Shiva. In fact, Shiva begins with seudat havra'ah, "the meal of consolation," prepared by family and neighbors. For those who are unable to make a personal visit, sending a food gifts basket such as a Shiva Food Gifts or Sympathy Gift Baskets, with a thoughtful card is an appropriate and helpful gesture.

“I find that when giving a sympathy gift or sympathy basket, people feel the need to send it immediately,” says Jane Moritz, owner of The Challah Connection. “However, it’s important to remember that people are visiting throughout and even after the Shiva period. The need for food to share continues for some time, so spacing out gifts is perfectly acceptable.”

Be sure to find out if the family sitting Shiva keeps kosher so you can send an appropriate food gift basket. In addition, when you are thinking of what to write, a simple message when people are sitting Shiva is best. Consider a message such as “With our heartfelt sympathy,” or “We are so sorry for your loss. You are in our thoughts,” or the most traditional, “May God comfort you among all mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”

What you can do and say For many, consoling the bereaved that are sitting Shiva can be difficult and uncomfortable. However, Jewish customs are quite clear in describing proper etiquette and that helps alleviate awkward feelings. Generally, be a good listener and be as helpful as possible when people are sitting Shiva.

Soon after arriving, visitors should approach the mourners and sit quietly with them, possibly offering a hug or handshake, but letting the mourner begin the conversation. They may not feel like talking at all, and sitting in silence is perfectly acceptable. Alternatively, the visitor can simply say, “I’m sorry,” and that can be enough. Just being there says it all—words are not always necessary when visiting those sitting Shiva.

It helps to remember that Shiva occurs during the most intense days of mourning. Those who have just lost a loved one will experience a range of powerful emotions, and that is an important part of the healing process. This is the perfect time to share stories, photos and cherished memories of the deceased. Moreover, if you do not know what to say, remain silent.

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